Unfortunately, Death, even at its kindest is cruel. The pain of the sufferer ends. But for those who are left behind, it may only just be the beginning. I could tell you how sorry I am for your loss, that I understand the depth of your pain, of what you're going through.. but these are just words. You may have heard them so many times that these words may sound hollow, mechanical...nothing but words. Not enough to cover that gaping hole of what was once your life.
Grief can be isolating and perhaps selfish. It is a burden that is often carried alone. Though others understand, not all are willing to share. From seeing the world in technicolor, in an instant everything became black. Somber. Gray. There are times you will feel crushed, sad, immensely sad, alone, numb, so fuckin' numb, angry, furious, enraged at God and everyone else, at him...for dying, for leaving you behind. And then there are times when you will breakdown because you finally realize that there will be no more conversations, arguments, laughter or tears...nothing. No more phone calls, sms, emails...nothing.
Grief kills...but only if you let it. So please, find something to live for. Like I did. Even if at times you feel that what you have now is not worth living for. I'm not saying it will be so much better in 6 months or 1 year. I would be lying. It's been a few years and there are times I still feel like it was only yesterday. Your memories can either be your greatest enemy or your greatest ally.
For those of us who are left behind, we can only go on. It may not make sense to you now when the pain is still fresh, so acute like it will never end. It may not end but there is at least some respite. Keep in touch with friends and relatives who really really really UNDERSTAND and who will CHEER you up. Never forget: There are people who love you, care for you, depend on you. So LIVE.
And then there is Guilt. The sin of omission. Of not having done enough. Of not having said what you have always meant to say - I love you, I'm sorry, Please stay, Forgive me. If you believe he's in a better place, then believe that whatever you say now will be heard.
We all deal with grief differently. Although I can say I have picked up and put together what I had broken a few years ago. I am not ready to have it broken again. So take your time. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to hurt. I can take it. You can take it. The world can take it.
"For, dying on the verge of wisdom,
Tortured souls may seek the light."
-Lasher by Anne Rice