Vitriolic. PG - 17

SO BE IT.

It's the pot calling the kettle black. I am everything I hate. Pero naiinis ako. Naiinis pa rin ako. Oo na. Ako na ang ingrata. Ako na ang masama. I am the world's worst person. I am the world's worst daughter. I am the world's worst friend. I am selfish. I am a bitch. Ako na.

Ako na ang hindi nakakaintindi. Ako na ang mababaw. It's MY fault we're all in this mess because I refuse to listen. My refusal to see it from your point of view sticks in your craw. But I am so fuckin' tired of trying to understand. I've been trying to understand you for a long time and you have been trying my patience. I don't know when or how it happened, but THIS IS IT. I've snapped. Snapped! Got it? Snapped! I've had ENOUGH! ??!!!

Why can't you understand na hindi lang ikaw ang nahihirapan? Don't you know that we all find it hard to move on because you keep dragging us Down? Maybe we're all so messed up we can't see shit for trees. I know it's not an excuse. But I am sooo tired. I am sooo fuckin' angry half the time that sometimes I wonder how I can function sanely after all these years. Damn it! Damn it!

Every time I thought things have calmed down sumusulpot ka na naman with your issues na parang kabute. Yung parang unang beses lang na I was caught by surprise by what you did. I think it was a good thing I was not crossing the street because I literally felt the earth stopped. I was literally dead on my feet. I couldn't move. Akala ko sa libro lang at sa pelikula nangyayari yun - not being able to move at all because you're in so much shock. But I was held immobile. Inside, I felt like somebody just pulled the rug under my feet and suddenly I'm falling head first into a dark and endless crevasse. My chest hurts and I couldn't breathe. I felt the blood drain from my face. I was suddenly cold, then dizzy and nauseous all at the same time and I could hear a constant buzzing in my ear. My God. If somebody haven't decided to drag me along, I would've just stood there. Like an idiot. Still wondering what the fuck have just happened. Conversations were going on around me but I wasn't there. I was so out of it. I felt like my head was submerged in ice. I couldn't feel a thing. Like I've been drugged. My senses were so sluggish. It was as if I'm moving my limbs underwater. I was so stunned beyond belief that I couldn't decide whether I wanted to cry or to laugh or do both...hysterically.

And then there was that other time, I couldn't talk to you. I couldn't face you. Because I was so angry. You lied. You broke your promise. Di ba sabi mo hindi mo gagawin yun but you did. You did. You did. You always made the decisions by yourself. You never asked beforehand how we feel. What??? Do you think we're 12 that we can't decide for ourselves? So forgive me if I couldn't be more forthcoming about it. Forgive my lack of enthusiasm because I couldn't find it deep within me to be happy for you. Because I feel I've been set up. I'm tired of walking around broken glass. I think I've bled enough these past few years. It should be enough.

And then just recently, I hear your name and suddenly tense na naman ako, primed for another attack, confuse like a deer caught in the headlights and then I am angry. I am too pissed off that I can't even start to feign indifference. So angry I don't even recognize myself sometimes. So angry I even cry about it because I feel so freakin' helpless. And I hate it because crying over it is not going to change things. But shit! I've forgotten what it was like to be carefree. Before all this shit descended on us and turned us all inside out and turned us all against each other.

Help me out here. How on earth does choosing between this side over that side going to solve this? Are you really that delusional that you think making us choose sides is going to solve this crap. I have G I V E N U P. Because frankly, I am sooo tired. I am tired of defending you... You make it so hard to defend you. But after that night I left, I promise myself, you will never see me cry. Not over this. Not ever again. Over. This. Sorry is not going to cut ice from where I sit.

You have made your choices and you have forced me into mine. I will beat the crap out of my heart that still felt that tiny compassion for you. I will beat it off until it stops to hurt. Until I can't feel anything anymore. Because If there is one thing I've learned from this, is to put an impenetrable wall around my heart from people like you.

“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire." - Kurt Tucholsky