Stars

Whoever said that stars are cold must have been gazing at them from afar. If you seek warmth, try getting closer.

xoxo

If you're reading this now and you feel like you're dying, 
know that I am willing you to live.

Sweet dreams, ♥

xoxo,

Vani

The big difference between the two of us is how our hearts are going to be broken.

The big difference between the two of us is how our hearts are going to be broken. My kind of broken cannot even be compared to what yours will be. You have set yourself up for a world of hurt. The kind of hurt that you don't recover from in a month or two or a year. The kind of hurt where you will hurt because you hurt other innocent people by what (you knew by now) you should've never done in the first place. Hindi madali ang daan na pinili mo. Sigurado ka na ba diyan? Kakayanin ba ng konsyensya mo ang mga sumbat na maririnig mo? I want you to know that it is not too late. You don't deserve to get hurt like this. No one does.

Hindi lahat ng pakiramdam mo na tama ay tama. Alam kong hindi rin madaling ituwid ang isang pagkakamali kahit alam mong nasa mali ka. Pero mahirap talaga kalaban ang konsensya. Mahirap matulog ng mahimbing sa gabi habang inuusig ka ng konsyensya mo dahil sa isang pagkakamali na alam mong dapat mong iniwasan. Hangga't hindi mo nakukuha ang lakas ng loob na kumawala, walang katahimikan.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Unfortunately, Death, even at its kindest is cruel. The pain of the sufferer ends. But for those who are left behind, it may only just be the beginning. I could tell you how sorry I am for your loss, that I understand the depth of your pain, of what you're going through.. but these are just words. You may have heard them so many times that these words may sound hollow, mechanical...nothing but words. Not enough to cover that gaping hole of what was once your life.

Grief can be isolating and perhaps selfish. It is a burden that is often carried alone. Though others understand, not all are willing to share. From seeing the world in technicolor, in an instant everything became black. Somber. Gray. There are times you will feel crushed, sad, immensely sad, alone, numb, so fuckin' numb, angry, furious, enraged at God and everyone else, at him...for dying, for leaving you behind. And then there are times when you will breakdown because you finally realize that there will be no more conversations, arguments, laughter or tears...nothing. No more phone calls, sms, emails...nothing.

Grief kills...but only if you let it. So please, find something to live for. Like I did. Even if at times you feel that what you have now is not worth living for. I'm not saying it will be so much better in 6 months or 1 year. I would be lying. It's been a few years and there are times I still feel like it was only yesterday. Your memories can either be your greatest enemy or your greatest ally.

For those of us who are left behind, we can only go on. It may not make sense to you now when the pain is still fresh, so acute like it will never end. It may not end but there is at least some respite. Keep in touch with friends and relatives who really really really UNDERSTAND and who will CHEER you up. Never forget: There are people who love you, care for you, depend on you. So LIVE.

And then there is Guilt. The sin of omission. Of not having done enough. Of not having said what you have always meant to say - I love you, I'm sorry, Please stay, Forgive me. If you believe he's in a better place, then believe that whatever you say now will be heard.

We all deal with grief differently. Although I can say I have picked up and put together what I had broken a few years ago. I am not ready to have it broken again. So take your time. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to hurt. I can take it. You can take it. The world can take it.

"For, dying on the verge of wisdom,

Tortured souls may seek the light."

-Lasher by Anne Rice

Black Saturday: Post Mortem

My dear Ben & co.,

Guys, this is my answer to your Black Saturday's 'lecture' on why I, as a woman, should not be surprised when men (whether married or in serious relationships) cheat. To be quite honest, I was too appalled to talk when all I wanted to do at that time was hit all three of you until you're black and blue with my four grand shoe that is if merely strangling you doesn't work. Although you may not agree with me that what you 'explained' was an excuse for cheating, merely that you are stating a fact: That men are promiscuous by nature and that we, women, cannot expect them to be faithful to just one person. Well, my friends, let me tell you once again... THAT IS BULLSHIT.

Let's be honest here. The world looks differently on girlfriends and wives who cheat, they're called whores. They get stoned...to death. But if men cheat, they're being a man? The hell!!!

Whatever happened to love? respect? How can you say you love someone and cheat on her? Or that cheating doesn't have anything to do with her? I thought that if you love someone you'd do your damn best not to cause them any pain.

And now, you are telling me that the institution that is marriage, is a farce? That I am seeing these things behind a veil. Tell me, what is the point of getting into a relationship if you expect your partner to cheat on you at some point in time? Just because there are so many fishes in the sea, doesn't mean you have to catch and taste all of them? So what if the reality is there are so many temptations...? So what if 30..40...50 years is a helluva long time for anyone to stay faithful in a relationship? Shouldn't there be at least a 30...40...50 grand or more reasons to stay faithful to it. If you can't 'find' it with the person you're with now, then you made the wrong choice. You married the wrong person. But it still Doesn't make it okay for you to cheat. Ever heard of annulment? Legal separation? Honesty? Clean break up?

And just because the women themselves approach you doesn't make cheating on your girlfriends or wives right! That doesn't make you any different from the dogs that fuck every stray bitch on the street (and don't tell me it's the position). How very mature. You're being led by your dicks, same as every animal on the planet. And here I thought, human beings are highly evolved species particularly up there...in your brains.

So I'm naive... never been married or been in a serious relationship. I'm not even sure about everything that all you married people swear to or agree to when you decided to get married. But...stupid, naive me, I thought it included being Faithful.

Now you say that the vows didn't exactly include being faithful in every sense of the word. Well...doesn't it? FTW, it's semantics. Well I guess you can't help but look, but surely you can't touch! Why else would they call it a marriage 'vow' if you're just going to break it? I expect that when people bind themselves to each other, they trust each other to keep their promises. Otherwise, what did you marry each other for???

Polygamy is only acceptable to a few religions and unless you belong to any of them, well good luck with trying to make your case to your girlfriends or wives about 'practicing' what is in your nature. I personally would want to castrate you and feed your dicks to sharks. But I'm sure they'd thought of it already so I'd leave it to them. Let's see how you'd like being eunuchs huh?

Still wanting to strangle you,

V.

"Sorry are those who expect too much for they shall be frustrated."

Until we meet again Lala

Salamat na maray sa pirming pagtabang kay Mama. Salamat sa pagbantay samo kang kami mga aki pa. Salamat sa mga aswang stories mo na sobrang kinatakot mi kang kami mga aki pa (miski nani kang dakula na). Salamat sa pagtao samo ning baon sa eskwela. Salamat sa pagbenta ng mga baka, baboy at panglukad mo para sa pang tuition ming magturugang kadto pag mayo ng kwarta si Mama. Salamat sa tinotong na bagas na pirmi mong ginigibo pag mayo na kaming pang bakal gatas.

Kung dai mi man naiparamdam na marhay ang pasasalamat na ni kang nabubuhay ka pa, sana ngonian maaraman mo na kami namumundo na mayo ka na. Pero iisipon mi na lang na harayo ka na sa pagsakit at nasa marhay na kamugtakan na. Salamat na marhay La. Magpahingalo ka na.

Requiescat in Pace Lala Din.

Vitriolic. PG - 17

SO BE IT.

It's the pot calling the kettle black. I am everything I hate. Pero naiinis ako. Naiinis pa rin ako. Oo na. Ako na ang ingrata. Ako na ang masama. I am the world's worst person. I am the world's worst daughter. I am the world's worst friend. I am selfish. I am a bitch. Ako na.

Ako na ang hindi nakakaintindi. Ako na ang mababaw. It's MY fault we're all in this mess because I refuse to listen. My refusal to see it from your point of view sticks in your craw. But I am so fuckin' tired of trying to understand. I've been trying to understand you for a long time and you have been trying my patience. I don't know when or how it happened, but THIS IS IT. I've snapped. Snapped! Got it? Snapped! I've had ENOUGH! ??!!!

Why can't you understand na hindi lang ikaw ang nahihirapan? Don't you know that we all find it hard to move on because you keep dragging us Down? Maybe we're all so messed up we can't see shit for trees. I know it's not an excuse. But I am sooo tired. I am sooo fuckin' angry half the time that sometimes I wonder how I can function sanely after all these years. Damn it! Damn it!

Every time I thought things have calmed down sumusulpot ka na naman with your issues na parang kabute. Yung parang unang beses lang na I was caught by surprise by what you did. I think it was a good thing I was not crossing the street because I literally felt the earth stopped. I was literally dead on my feet. I couldn't move. Akala ko sa libro lang at sa pelikula nangyayari yun - not being able to move at all because you're in so much shock. But I was held immobile. Inside, I felt like somebody just pulled the rug under my feet and suddenly I'm falling head first into a dark and endless crevasse. My chest hurts and I couldn't breathe. I felt the blood drain from my face. I was suddenly cold, then dizzy and nauseous all at the same time and I could hear a constant buzzing in my ear. My God. If somebody haven't decided to drag me along, I would've just stood there. Like an idiot. Still wondering what the fuck have just happened. Conversations were going on around me but I wasn't there. I was so out of it. I felt like my head was submerged in ice. I couldn't feel a thing. Like I've been drugged. My senses were so sluggish. It was as if I'm moving my limbs underwater. I was so stunned beyond belief that I couldn't decide whether I wanted to cry or to laugh or do both...hysterically.

And then there was that other time, I couldn't talk to you. I couldn't face you. Because I was so angry. You lied. You broke your promise. Di ba sabi mo hindi mo gagawin yun but you did. You did. You did. You always made the decisions by yourself. You never asked beforehand how we feel. What??? Do you think we're 12 that we can't decide for ourselves? So forgive me if I couldn't be more forthcoming about it. Forgive my lack of enthusiasm because I couldn't find it deep within me to be happy for you. Because I feel I've been set up. I'm tired of walking around broken glass. I think I've bled enough these past few years. It should be enough.

And then just recently, I hear your name and suddenly tense na naman ako, primed for another attack, confuse like a deer caught in the headlights and then I am angry. I am too pissed off that I can't even start to feign indifference. So angry I don't even recognize myself sometimes. So angry I even cry about it because I feel so freakin' helpless. And I hate it because crying over it is not going to change things. But shit! I've forgotten what it was like to be carefree. Before all this shit descended on us and turned us all inside out and turned us all against each other.

Help me out here. How on earth does choosing between this side over that side going to solve this? Are you really that delusional that you think making us choose sides is going to solve this crap. I have G I V E N U P. Because frankly, I am sooo tired. I am tired of defending you... You make it so hard to defend you. But after that night I left, I promise myself, you will never see me cry. Not over this. Not ever again. Over. This. Sorry is not going to cut ice from where I sit.

You have made your choices and you have forced me into mine. I will beat the crap out of my heart that still felt that tiny compassion for you. I will beat it off until it stops to hurt. Until I can't feel anything anymore. Because If there is one thing I've learned from this, is to put an impenetrable wall around my heart from people like you.

“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire." - Kurt Tucholsky